i carry your heart

This is the first rule of doing independent research.  I had trouble with it when I was trying to do my senior project (the culmination of four years of college education) and I'm having trouble narrowing my focus now.  I'm doing graduate school research and plumbing my depths for what I really - no really- Really want to do with my time/life/future.  
Can't.
I want to do everything.  I want to learn everything.  I want to learn Spanish.  I want to travel.  I want to live on a farm and bake bread and pies all day and garden and knit and sew and take care of animals and build things out of wood and stones.  I want to learn about public policy and write laws and get elected to public office and legislate and argue and make a difference.  I want to work in a non-hierarchical environment, make decisions by consensus, take time to think and reflect, and be radical and innovative.  I want to be a sex-educator.  I want to be a housewife and stay at home mom.   I want to travel the world.  I want to design baby-clothes.  I want to run a bed and breakfast and tea shop.  I want to help and inspire and mentor and learn from and emulate other women.  I want to be an academic.  I want to be outdoorsy.  I want to create beautiful things.  I want to have children.  I want to live in lots of different places.  I want to have a solid sense of community. I want to be a teacher.  I want to learn more about history.  I want to learn more about genetics.  I want to act - I remember those dreams.  I want to live in a different country.  I want to learn about midwifery.  I want to be a direct care social worker but only on a limited time, volunteer basis.  I want to have money because it means freedom and comfort.  I want to be humble and I want to feel strong and deserving.  I want to be able to set my schedule and be active and productive. 

I'm definitely getting into google.  Go google!

I need to start making christmas lists and setting aside money just for christmas.  this realization hit me like a ton of bricks today.  It was cold and I remembered.  

So I totally got internet scammed. The other weekend I was paying bills and being generally responsible and I decided to check my credit. So I googled free credit reports and a bunch of sites popped up. I wanted to use a government or bank site but couldn't see any listed. SOOOO I used freecreditreport.com because of those stupid commercials. But I also thought to myself- a company with this much advertising/notoreity is legit right? Fuck no. Total SCAM. They give you a free credit report but enroll you without your knowledge in a credit monitoring program that they charge you 14.95 a month for. So when I got this really random charge on my credit card - which I never ever use (so it was really weird)- from CIC Triple Advantage I was very confused and felt automatically swindled. Googling CIC Triple Advantage produced a plethora of websites with instructions on how to cancel and get your money back. Thank goodness! Fuck Freecredit and their bullshit. So I called- and was promised cancellation and a refund. Here's hoping I actually get it.
Here's the site that was helpful.
http://www.knowzy.com/Personal_Finance/Credit/Credit_Monitoring_Is_A_Rip_Off-StepByStep-Canceling_CIC_TripleAdvantage.htm

I am usually very cautious on the internet so this was a sad day for me.  I feel like an idiot.  

I'm really tired. I have been for like 3 months.  I don't know how to get untired and how to assert my need to take care of myself...and then actually take care of myself. 

I need to clean my house.  I need to consolidate my loans and get my finances in order so I can be an independent woman.  I need to stop driving a car I can't afford and don't own.

I'm hungry but I have to shop, order something,  or eat a meal without veggies if I want to eat anything. 

I hate my job even though it gives me time during the day to read and learn.  I hate it a lot.  I feel trapped and useless and paralyzed and under qualified. 

I learned today about Anarchy, Libertarianism, Facism, Ayn Rand, and lots of fucked up stuff our government does.  I read articles written by bell hooks and Andrea Dworkin.  They made me so angry.  I felt like I was going to cry at work.  Or unleash all of my anger and frustration at my job, my relationships, myself, the world, dudes, the president, etc.  on someone at work or at home and it wouldn't be fair and it wouldn't make me feel better.

I am going to see a therapist tomorrow and I'm already feeling like I might not like her. 

I don't call my friends because I feel like all I do is complain. 

And really...I don't even have that much worth complaining about. I'm a lucky (read *privileged*) one.  I'm just not very grateful I guess.

She's cute, she has a decent voice, her songs are catchy and she's gaining popularity.  Normally I would totally like her and her songs.  In fact I'm battling with myself not to.   I find "I kissed a girl" to be anti-feminist and to be sexual objectification of women by men and internalized sexism and objectification by women.  I don't think it's cute or queer positive or sex positive.  I'm all about exploration and breaking out of hetero-normative expectations but it actually just feeds into hetero-normativity and reinforces misogynist stereotypes. 

Song # 2- Ur So Gay.  Fucked up.  I wonder though if it would be so offensive to me and to people I think are like-minded if it were "you're so white" or you're so "emo" or "hipster" or "rich".  Probably not though, I think those labels would equally fit the message she's trying to get across.  I think "gay" is one of these convenient social stereotypes she's confusing, much like Christian on Project Runway's use of "trannie" except his use was confusing a stereotype with something popular or fashionable in a "positive" and she's linking gay in this song with something she thinks of as being popular or fashionable in a negative way.  Both ways are harmful and completely ignorant in my opinion.  I think the popularity of these songs and of the artist (artists if you include the case of Project Runway) only serves to reinforce disgusting stereotypes and reinforce my hatred of pop-culture and mainstream media.

Goddamn catchy shit

I advise you to watch the videos on youtube and welcome your thoughts.  The videos open a whole new world of disgust for me.

Food 

I find community when my friends and I cook for each other at least once a week.  And when we build traditions around food like going to Corner Lunch, a diner in our neighborhood, where we find new friends. I like this community of friends.  I like eating food at restaurants in my neighborhood.  I enjoy buying my groceries from shops blocks from my house.  I want to try to start walking or biking to these places as well as the grocery store.  Being green and finding places I like in my immediate neighborhood seems like the kind of community I want.  I want proximity.  Close, local, accessible, quick, convenient, hopefully- a small business, etc.  Ideally all of the food I eat and buy would be grown locally as well.  I'm realizing that where I live now is not the best place for that.  I would do better to live more rurally or ultra-urbanly.  This last thing of locally grown food is becoming increasingly important to me.  That is also a high priority.  

I found a farm/farm store that produces milk, dairy products (ice cream!), eggs, honey and baked goods.  It is only 6 miles from where I live, but I will still have to drive.  I am in the process of finding other locally made products.  I think I will end up driving all over Worcester and to several other townships to get everthing I want, instead of walking or biking to the Big Y (chain) grocery store several blocks from my house.  I haven't worked out whether proximity or local food is the higher priority yet.

I also want at some point to plant a garden or join a gardening cooperative.   I could have done the latter this year, but was too slow on the uptake. 

I am doing all of these things with a recurring theme in the back of my mind - after I have put so much effort, time, and love into shaping my world and finding my community- I will move- leave all that community I found and built behind- have to start over again somewhere new, where it will take me a good year or so to get up the energy to slowly find everything again.  Continuity.  A priority. 

Proximity. Locally grown and Locally owned.  Continuity. 

The list of priorities grows.

I was thinking about Community last night. 
What makes Community?
What do I want in a Community?
How can I be intentional in finding and nurturing that Community?
How do I incorporate all parts of my identity without neglecting or alienating any? 
And how do I stay motivated? (I anticipate that this will be a challenging but rewarding task)

How do I get what I had at Antioch, but so much more?

More thoughts on this thread to follow.

So I was walking the very short distance from my office to the library at lunch just now and I got several cat calls/come ons (I think).  This is not unusual.  I generally look really nice for work and today am wearing a cute skirt and heels and jewelry and makeup, etc.   I try to have a look on my face that says "if you want to fucking mess with me- go ahead" so as to avoid unwanted attention.  I generally get really irritated when men talk to me without invitation or just general politeness.  Not women- just men.  Today I got some mixed comments - "Yeaaahhh" from someone and "Goodbye miss" (repeated several times to no avail) from someone else after I had already walked by (and therefore not to my face).  And one where this guy looked at me and said very nicely "I like your outfit".   It was weird the way he said it because it didn't strike me as intrusive- possibly because it really did sound like general appreciation for the clothes I was wearing and not for me (a possible innnuendo/come on).  And this automatically made me think he was gay- which immediately put me at ease. Huh.

Here is my quandry:  Do I just not like it when I perceive comments as come-ons?   That was my first conclusion.

-Or- Do I just not like it when strangers hit on me uninvited?  Probably. 
-Or- Do I dislike it when strangers who I would not consider dating (and therefore don't want to hit on myself) make comments?  
Why do I get so uncomfortable when less than well dressed black men hit on me?  Am I racist?  Classist?  Maybe.  In fact probably.  Probably more classist and ageist actually.  When well dressed, young men of any color say something to me uninvited- I usually take it as a compliment and it boosts my self-esteem.  In fact I generally like it.  I am pretty sure I like to be hit on depending on how it goes down (think bars, art musuems, libraries, work, etc.).   

When old- well dressed white men say things it makes me distinctly uncomfortable and not flattered.  

The next question is what is the most effective way to stave off unwanted comments?
Bitch-face?  A polite "That is not the most effective way to get my positive attention" comment in return?  The finger?